The Two Animals That Could Save Your Relationships

Here’s a question: What do a jackal and a giraffe have in common? If you answered, ‘Nothing’, then you’re on the right lines.

According to the psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, the giraffe represents compassion and unification; the jackal stands for competition, judgement and criticism. Rosenberg uses these two animals to teach his principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC™), designed to foster our relationships, develop our compassion and strengthen our respect and empathy.

 

Jackals

Most of us, he says, have gone through life as jackals. Jackals speak from the head. They label, they demand, and they blame others for how they feel: ‘He’s an idiot!’ ‘Stop that noise!’ ‘You’ve ruined my day!’ Giraffes, on the other hand, speak from the heart. They respect, they request, and they take responsibility for their feelings.

 

Giraffes

Being a giraffe means finding a connection with others; striving for a state of harmony, free of blame, punishment and guilt.

 

How, then, to be a giraffe to oil the wheels of communication and ultimately improve your relationships?

Rosenberg created a four-step process that can be used for most scenarios.

 

1. Describe the situation without judgment.

2. Describe how you feel, not how someone else makes you feel.

3. Say why you feel that way and express any needs.

4. State any requests you have.

 

Let’s take a typical real-life example.

A wife gets home from the office, wanting to tell her husband all about her day, but her husband is preoccupied with watching TV.

 

WIFE: You’re always more interested in the TV than talking to me! You really disappoint me! If you don’t wanna talk to me, I’ll go to bed!

 

Now let’s replace the wife’s words with Giraffe language, following the four steps described above.

 

WIFE: (1. Describe the situation without judgment.) When I came home, you seemed engrossed in a TV programme. (2. Describe how you feel, not how someone makes you feel.) I feel offended. (3. Say why you feel that way and express any needs.) I feel offended because I feel I’m less important than your TV programme, and I was hoping to have a chat with you. (4. State any requests you have.) When you’ve finished watching your programme, do you think we could spend some time together?

 

The wife has described, without judging, the situation she has encountered and has expressed and taken responsibility for her feelings. She has also stated a reason for her feelings and, being careful not to issue demands, has concluded with a reasonable request.

 

Using this more compassionate way to communicate, the wife is more likely to connect with her husband, while preventing any negative emotions from escalating into an argument.

Transitioning from jackal to giraffe might not be easy to do – we are, after all, creatures of habit – but the gains made in resolving conflicts and strengthening human connections may well be worth the effort. And, let’s be frank, the world seems no more harmonious since Marshall B. Rosenberg gave birth to his giraffe-and-jackal idea way back in the 1960s, thus reaffirming the need for a giraffe-led world. So as you go about your daily life and manage your various relationships, pick your animal wisely – it’s a jungle out there, remember.