You might have clicked on this article for a number of reasons. Perhaps you’ve got a party or get-together to attend and are at a loss as to how you’ll survive it, or you’ve had a similar occasion in the past and barely did survive it. Maybe you’re at such an event right now and have resorted to reading these words in an attempt to avoid all human interaction. Either way, if the idea of having to meet a room of strangers makes you want to crawl behind the nearest large rock, then the following could be for you.
The reason we prefer large rocks
Aside from the fact that there’s no obligation to talk to rocks, their appeal as a place of refuge is clear. For a start, they don’t demand anything of us. They don’t expect us to be interesting, fun or entertaining or brimming with wit and urbanity; neither do they expect us to be clever, knowledgeable or skilled at anything at all. They don’t, in fact, require anything of us, or require anything of anything for that matter. They’re also reassuringly predictable. In short, you know where you are with a rock. Compare this with a social gathering, a common place to meet strangers, where there seems to be too much pressure to be too many things, none of which you may think you are. Which brings us on to the first tip.
Cut yourself some slack
You don’t have to be any of the things you’re worried you aren’t, and it might be better if you’re not. During those occasions you have to meet strangers, there’s no need to play some character or try to be cool or take on the role of resident comedian – people can suss out an act a mile off. Neither should you worry if you’re shaking in your boots; just make sure you’re being yourself while you’re doing it. And about that shaking-in-your-boots thing: it’s probably from a lack of confidence and fear of the unknown – something that should improve with time. To give yourself the best chance, try to relax before the event, such as by going for a walk or listening to music.
Quit mind-reading
Unless you’re the world’s greatest mentalist, those thoughts you might have about people taking a dislike to you as soon as they’re introduced are probably not worth entertaining. What draws one person to another is a mystery and largely out of our hands, so worrying about who likes who is not something that should concern us.
Work on your smile
We shouldn’t underestimate the power of a smile. If you’ve ever been in the company of a person that hasn’t spoken your language, you will know how handy a smile can be. A smile is the green light for others to approach. To appreciate the effectiveness of smiling, decide how many glum-faced strangers you’d be happy to strike up a conversation with.
Have something up your sleeve
Even though you don’t have to play some role, that doesn’t mean you can’t rehearse. To guard against those rabbit-in-the-headlights moments, practise what you’re going to say to any strangers you might run into, and think of some questions to ask them. Having a list of topics in your head will give you a confidence boost. Jobs, hobbies and holidays can all be useful talking points, but the sky really is the limit. The trick is to work them seamlessly into the conversation.
Start with an open mind
Begin each conversation without prejudice. Know that you can’t read a book by its cover, so resist the urge to make assumptions. It’s okay to write somebody off in time, but just start out with a clean slate first.
Find an opening
Starting up conversations with strangers is like trying to gatecrash a concert: risky, nerve-wracking and potentially fun but hard to find a way in. If your conversations with strangers normally dry up as soon as the introductions are over, then consider preparing some openers. At a party, asking the person how they’re connected to the host is always a good place to start. At a work do, you could begin by finding out what they do at the company. If your mind is a blank, then making some comment related to the event could be a way of easing into things. It’s amazing where ‘These are fabulous vol-au-vents’ could take you.
Focus on them
The top tip in these situations is to be interested and not interesting. In other words, your focus should be on them, not yourself. Think of the other person as a book you’re dying to read. What are they really like? What makes them tick? What has their life been like up to now? What are their future plans? Your questions don’t have to be framed in that way, and they may be answered without you having to ask, but by making it your mission to discover as much as you can about the person you’re with, you’ll find the conversation should flow and your nerves will ease. Ironically, by making the other person seem interesting, you’ll come across as interesting too, and likeable at that.
Look and listen
If you’ve succeeded in putting the spotlight on your partner, then the job is only half done: they also need to know you’re interested in what they’re saying. There’s only one way to convince them that you’re really listening, and that’s to really listen. This can be trickier than it sounds and requires great concentration to prevent your mind from wandering. It’s also something of a juggling act, as more questions may be forming in your head that you have to try to put on hold so as not to interrupt. As you listen, nod away, interjecting with the odd ‘Ah’ or ‘That’s interesting’, and keep an eye out for any clues that might indicate how they’re feeling. If they show signs of boredom or annoyance and the conversation is beyond rescue, find a way to end it (more on that below).
Find common ground
One of the difficulties in being thrown together with strangers is that you may not have much in common with them. It’s surprising, though, how a little digging can unearth similarities, even between people who are polar opposites. Even when there’s no common ground, you can still enjoy each other’s company, and talking to someone very different from yourself is an opportunity to learn about people.
Don’t judge
If your partner is bravely opening up, you should try to listen without judgement. It may be hard to hold your tongue if you strongly disagree with something they’ve said, but making your feelings known could put the whole conversation at stake.
Open up
Conversations, of course, should be two-way, so when the opportunity to speak arises, be prepared to share. This should encourage your partner to open up too. If you’re standoffish or guarded, then they might begin to withdraw and things could go downhill.
Steer clear of taboo topics
Some subjects are always off-limits, religion and politics being the oft-cited classics. Even if your partner is the one that broaches such a topic, you’d be wise to tread very carefully. Remember you’re still virtually strangers, so you don’t know how they’ll react if challenged.
Make a dignified exit
Give as much thought to the way you exit a conversation as to the way you enter into one. If the conversation has gone well, your partner shouldn’t feel offended if you have a good reason to wrap things up, such as a need to mingle or to answer a call of nature. A polite ‘Great to meet you’ to accompany your excuse should be all that’s really needed. The same words can be used with people you’re just not gelling with and attempting to get away from, though you might have to fake the excuse. If you’re not into white lies, you can change the ‘Great to meet you’ to something like ‘I’m glad we had the chance to meet’, which isn’t completely a lie, since you’ve benefited from knowing who to avoid in future.
The good news is that talking to strangers gets easier the more you do it. See each encounter as a way to build on your conversational skills, reassured in the knowledge that the next one should go more smoothly than the last. Conversations with strangers can be a hit-and-miss affair, and there’s often no way of knowing how each one will go. Try not to let this worry you. Instead, focus on what the experience is giving you: a chance to learn new things and to grow in confidence and wisdom. And, who knows, maybe the next stranger you meet will turn out to be a lifelong friend or soulmate. Now, that’s surely a good enough reason to come out from behind that rock.
Comments