A staggering 37% of people have been bullied at work. Bullying causes stress, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem, and, given that most of us spend one-third of our lives at work, those symptoms can become chronic when bullying occurs over a prolonged period. Add headaches, poor sleep, high blood pressure and ulcers into the mix and you can clearly see the devastating effects that bullying has.
What is bullying?
Bullying can be described in various ways. Dictionaries generally define it as the act of habitually intimidating, abusing or harassing; according to the Anti-Bullying Alliance, it’s the ‘repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power’; while the National Centre Against Bullying refers to it as ‘ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behaviour that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm’.
Why do people bully?
Studies have shown that most bullying occurs when the bully perceives a threat to their ego or when they feel incompetent in some way. The bullying becomes a way for the bully to address that perceived threat. For them, it’s a case of survival: once the threat is eliminated, they can regain their sense of power.
There are other reasons that people bully. Bullying can also come from low self-esteem or jealousy; it can arise from a desire to dominate; or it can simply result from a person’s having chosen to take out their anger and frustration on others.
What are the signs of bullying?
Bullying covers a wide range of behaviour, from being excluded from conversations, meetings and decision-making to overt intimidation and threats. Other acts of bullying include berating, belittling, unfairly criticising, gaslighting and manipulating. It’s this sliding scale of behaviour that can sometimes make it difficult to know if you’re truly being bullied, and can therefore delay the time it takes for you to tackle any bullying you’re experiencing. More on this in the next section.
What can you do about bullying?
Begin by asking yourself two questions:
Question 1: ‘Am I misinterpreting the bully’s behaviour or overacting?’
Clearly, this question only applies to behaviour at the milder end of the bullying spectrum, such as friendly banter. For behaviour that is indisputably targeted and unacceptable, you should feel justified in your negative reaction to it and know you have a right to deal with it.
Question 2: ‘Could the bully’s behaviour be in response to anything I’ve said or done to them in the past?’
Although two wrongs don’t make a right, some people are revengeful by nature, and sometimes what we regard as unprovoked behaviour by a bully may really be an act of revenge for something we may have begun ourselves. If you suspect that you have, in the past, caused or contributed to the bullying, however trivial you consider your past words or actions to have been, then one way to possibly put a halt to the bullying and repair your relationship with the bully is to, quite simply, do the opposite: if you’ve put the bully down at some point, try building them back up, such as by offering the odd praise or compliment for their work; if you’ve behaved in an unfriendly way towards them, consider turning that around by being more pleasant; and so on.
If, on the other hand, you can think of no reason to account for the bullying and/or the bullying is of a severe nature, then follow the action plan below:
1) Know your company’s policy
Gen up on your company’s standard procedure for dealing with bullying behaviour. If you’ve been given a company handbook, read it thoroughly in case this subject is covered. If you can find no such guidance, ask a member of HR or a person that deals with these matters.
2) Confront the bully
Confrontations with the bully can be one of two kinds – low-grade or high-grade – as detailed below. Specific circumstances, such as the severity of the bullying, how long the bullying has been going on and your particular relationship with the bully, will determine whether you try the low-grade approach first or go straight to the high-grade one.
Low-grade confrontation
The low-grade confrontation is more casual than its high-grade cousin. At this stage, you’re still giving the bully the benefit of the doubt. Such an approach could be along the lines of ‘Hey, Alan, I’ve noticed I’m getting left out of quite a few meetings. Is there any reason for this, do you know?’ This has a threefold purpose: it makes your feelings known to the bully; it opens up the possibility of change, with a view to resolving the problem; and it provides the bully with a dignified way out (they have the opportunity of ceasing their bullying behaviour without feeling they’ve been threatened or humiliated, which can work to your advantage if you’re trying to avoid making a scene or creating a bad working atmosphere).
High-grade confrontation
This is where things get more serious. The high-grade confrontation would normally take the form of a formal sit-down with the bully to get to the bottom of the problem and to let the bully know you mean business.
During both types of confrontation, it’s important to remain calm and not let your emotions get in the way. For this, it can be helpful to conduct yourself with the BIFF technique in mind: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
Beware of DARVO
However you approach the bully, you should prepare for the worst-case scenario: that you might run up against DARVO. ‘DARVO’ stands for ‘Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender’ and is a common tactic employed by bullies to deflect any criticism levelled at them and turn the tables on you instead. Let’s break it down.
Deny
Denial is the handiest weapon in the bully’s armoury. By denying whatever you’re accusing them of, bullies can keep their dignity intact while avoiding all responsibility for their actions.
Attack
The ‘Attack’ goes one step further by calling into question your character or your motives for approaching them in the first place.
Reverse Victim and Offender
This type of manipulation describes the way the bully may attempt to switch things around to make you the offender and themselves the victim. This switch-around can happen so skilfully and seamlessly that you may find yourself feeling guilty for even thinking they could be capable of bullying, which is exactly how the bully wants you to feel.
To guard against DARVO, have a Reverse-DARVO strategy prepared:
Reverse-DARVO
Detach
Mentally and emotionally distance yourself whenever the bully engages in denial. By staying detached in this way, you stand a much better chance of getting through the conversation unshaken by any further bullying tactics the bully uses.
Assert
Asserting yourself – communicating in a way that is confident but calm and respectful – becomes especially difficult in the face of conflict. The more aggressive the bully becomes, the more challenging you may find it to keep your composure. If necessary, have a few practice runs at home so you don’t let your emotions get the better of you on the day.
Request
This is your chance to communicate your needs to the bully and what you expect them to do to address the problem. Again, you may want to rehearse what you plan to say, to increase your chances of achieving a favourable outcome.
Validate
At the heart of any DARVO behaviour that the bully displays is an attempt to invalidate what you’re feeling, thinking and saying. Therefore, self-validation is your primary counter-measure. Keep reminding yourself that the bullying is real, that your feelings towards it are valid and that your actions for dealing with it are justified.
Observe
It’s a juggling act, but during your confrontation with the bully, you need to observe as well as communicate. How is your bully reacting? Are they showing signs of cooperation or resistance? What is their voice telling you? Their reaction will determine the next steps you take, if any, so try to leave the conversation with an idea of where you stand with them.
3) Keep notes
If you’ve confronted the bully about their behaviour but things still haven’t improved, then it’s time to change tack. Your aim with this step should be to gather the evidence you need to support any claims you make against the bully. This includes the date, time and place that each incident of bullying occurs, and the names of any witnesses that could back up your claims. You should also keep a record of any relevant correspondence or conversations.
4) Inform the company
If attempts to settle the matter with the bully have failed, you need to inform your company of the bullying, whether that’s having a quiet word with a supervisor or making an appointment with HR. The sooner your company is aware of the bullying, the sooner they can start looking into it.
5) Share your troubles
While all this is going on, don’t forget to share your worries. A problem shared is a problem halved, and even if your confidant has no direct experience of bullying, you need to know you’re not alone in this and that there are people around to help you through it.
6) Make an official complaint
If the issue still hasn’t been resolved, it’s time to go back to your company handbook (or designated colleague or supervisor if no handbook exists) to find out how you can take things further. Familiarise yourself with any grievance procedure and make sure you know who to approach if the bully happens to be your boss. You should also continue to collect any evidence of the bullying. Whatever procedure you’re required to go through to bring the bullying to an end, make sure that it’s fair and that the matter is taken seriously.
And if that doesn’t work?
If you’ve followed the above steps and the matter still hasn’t been satisfactorily dealt with, you may, depending on what part of the world you’re working in, feel it’s worth seeking legal advice. The exact procedure for this will vary from country to country, but you will usually be expected to have tried to sort it out with your company first.
It’s often easier when things are nipped in the bud, rather than left to escalate, so take action at the first sign of bullying – for yourself and for all other potential victims. And remember: you might not be able to reduce that working third of your life, but by taking care of yourself and having a plan of action in place to deal with any bullying you encounter, you can make the time you spend at work much happier.
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